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heres sum jokes i theived off other ppls websites

 
Two tramps walking down the street.One tramp turns to the other and says "Have you shat yourself?"
No I haven't, you cheeky cunt! said the other.
I don't believe you, take off your pants and show me, says the first one. The second takes off his pants and sees a big, brown shit stain on his underpants.
"See, shitty drawers! You did shit yourself! You make me sick!" said the first one.
The shitty one said "Ohhh, YOU MEAN TODAY?"

What do women and KFC have in common?
When you're finished the legs and the breasts, you still have a greasy box to put your bone in.

This rabit is running along when he comes across a giraffe rolling a fat joint. He goes over to the Giraffe and says "You don't wanna do that, it's bad for you, why don't you come for a run with me?" "I suppose you're right", says the Giraffe, and they go off running together.
A short while later they come across a snake. The snake is making a line of coke and is just about to snort it when the rabbit says "You don't wanna do that, it's not good for you. Come for a run with me." The snake looks at the coke in front of him and agrees with him. So the three of them set off running (The snake is obviously not running but slithering next to them) After a while they come across a lion. The lionis hot-spooning heroin. The rabbit says "You definately don't want to do that. It's lowest of the low. Come running with us." At this point the lion jumps up and beats the shit out of the rabbit. The giraffe and snake are appaled by this attack, and ask him why the fuck he did that. The lion replied, "Every time that cunt is on Ecstacy he wants me to run with him!!!"

A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like he's got his dick stuck through the center of it.
The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your dick stuck in a steering wheel!"
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know; drives me nuts!!"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
 
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
 
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
 
"Twenty-six."
 
A prostitute is lying in bed between tricks studying a dictionary. A koala bear enters through the window and performs oral sex on her. When the koala turns to depart, the prostitue says, "Hey, wait a minute." The koala looks at her, puzzled. "I'm a prostitute." says the prostitute. Still, the koala appears clueless. The prostitute turns to the entry for prostitute in the dictionary. The koala reads, "Prostitute: Person who engaged in sex for money." The koala then takes the dictionary, turns to the entry for "koala" and hands it to the prostitue, who reads:

"Koala: Australian marsupial that eats bushes and leaves."

Whats the difference between you dick and your bonus?
A woman will ALWAYS blow your bonus.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge?
A: The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
 
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
 

Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A. So you can floss after eating.

 

A man is sitting at home with his wife and son. The baby sits in his crib with the biggest smile you've ever seen. The woman says "aw, isn't that cute?". The man replies " I'd be smiling like that if I could sit on my ass and suck your tits all day


whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?    a prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!!

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!"


A man walks into a bar and sees a dog licking its balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "I wish I could do that." The bartender replies, "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What do you call the excess piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman

if u got a joke u want to put up contact me n let me no. or if ur one of da ppl dat i stole dese off den pls dont contact me 

ya man